Annoyer, n.
- One who, or that which, annoys.
(Webster's Revised Dictionary).
Note: It will help if you read the following paragraph in the voice of a Hollywood 'voice-over' man.
Preferably one of those deep James Earl Jones type voices.
Slowly.
They're everywhere They are present at every function, they exist in the classrooms and corridors of our schools, they live next door, they lurk in the corporate world, they inhabit virtually every realm of society, they are a blight on our social landscape and they are an unwelcome moth chewing it's way through the fabric of our society.
They are inappropriate, they are exhausting, they are irritating and they are tireless.
To the untrained eye they look like you and me, but the moment they open their mouth, they identify themselves for what they really are (build the climactic music); the A-n-n-o-y-e-r.
Who's your Annoyer? Okay, be honest.
When I ask you to think of an annoying person, someone springs to mind straight away don't they? Sure they do.
Think of someone in your world (family, friend, colleague, acquaintance, neighbour, boss).
Now, unless you're incredibly fortunate (or too nice for your own good), you probably thought of at least one person almost straight away.
Maybe three.
Now, think about that thing (okay, things) they do which really annoys you.
You know the thing (things).
And when I say "annoys you", I'm not talking about those trivial, minor things; I'm talking about those (anti) social habits and behaviours which are completely inappropriate, highly undesirable, embarrassing and at times, offensive.
Okay...
now you've got it.
We all want to be (do, achieve) a lot of things, but if there's one thing we definitely don't want to be, it's annoying.
Engaging, hilarious, desirable, interesting, successful, mysterious and sexy yes, but annoying? Definitely not.
Yet for a quality or skill (is the ability to annoy a skill?) which is so obviously undesirable, there seems to be soooo many who have mastered it.
Creepy Annoying Guy Like the creepy, unattractive, socially inept, smelly, forty-something guy who constantly feels the need to express his alpha-male-ness (aka insecurity) and to offer himself (I feel queasy just writing that!) to every woman within a ten mile radius - no matter how disinterested, or even repulsed they are.
Hey Creepy Annoying Guy! Which part of "go away, I don't want anything to do with you" are you struggling to comprehend? Stop telling embarrassing lies, stop standing inappropriately close to every female in the room, reel your tongue back in, stop leering, start addressing your personal hygiene, stop talking about your fictitious conquests and achievements, stop laughing at your own stupid, very un-funny jokes and stop trying to cover your bald spot with those six remaining hairs - it's not working.
Oh yeah, while I'm on a roll, get some dignity and lose the whole desperation thing; it's ugly.
Career Annoyers Sure, we all have that propensity to be periodically annoying, but what I'm talking about today are those career Annoyers - you know them.
The guy I've described above is someone I've met (at social functions) quite a few times over the years.
In fact, I've met a few of him (so to speak).
You've met him too.
So today I've decided to compile a brief overview of the most common Annoyers (the ones I have met anyway) so that (1) you can identify and avoid said Annoyers and (2) in the extremely unlikely event that you may see a little of yourself in one of the following descriptions (oh yeah, as if!) you might feel compelled to take some kind of evasive action before it's too late and you become one of the those moths.
How can they not know? Without doubt, one of the most annoying things about annoying people is that they don't actually know they're annoying.
Tall people know they're tall, clever people know they're clever, funny people know they're funny and geeks even know they're geeks...
but annoying people - they don't know! Perhaps we should tell them? So, with the help of this post and your ability to forward an email or hit the print button, we may collectively start to make a dent into the global issue that is (no, not global warming)...
the serial Annoyer.
Okay, let's see if you recognize anyone: 1.
The Close Talker.
Brought to our attention in a very public and humorous way all those years ago on Seinfeld and covered by me once before on this site, the Close Talker is indeed a social scourge.
He or she has seemingly zero spatial awareness and typically stands inappropriately close to people - especially strangers.
If three feet is the appropriate distance, they typically inhabit the one to two foot zone.
If you step back, they follow and the awkward dance begins.
Stay away from walls and corners or you're a gonner.
2.
The Lip Kisser.
Contrary to popular belief, the Lip Kisser is not only male.
I personally have been kissed by women I hardly know with cold fishy lips and smelly breath.
Gross.
However, 84.
7% of all inappropriate and unwanted lip kissing is perpetrated by the males of the species (I totally made that stat up).
The worst members of this socially repugnant group have actually perfected the hand around the back (so the victim can't retreat) and kiss-hold manoeuvre.
It all happens within a split second, in one slick (slimey) action and allows the perpetrator prolonged lip action; disgusting.
Avoid the Lip Kisser at all costs.
3.
The Circumnavigator.
The Circumnavigator has an astounding ability to always bring any conversation back to him or herself.
No matter what people are chatting about or where they are up to in the conversation, he/she will, very skillfully and subtly, find a way to steer the conversation back to themselves.
4.
The Interrupter.
The Interrupter is actually incapable of actively listening to another person.
They are invariably arrogant, egotistical, insecure and self-indulgent, and spend most of their lives chopping people off mid-sentence.
They are constantly waiting for micro-gaps in the conversation so they can be heard and as a rule, they don't talk with people, they talk at them.
5.
The Funny Guy.
The Funny Guy is a frustrated stand up comic.
With the only real hurdle being that he isn't funny.
Or likeable.
At all.
Other than that, he's a natural! And yes, he's usually a bloke.
He laughs (too) enthusiastically at his own material while simultaneously encouraging others to do the same, via an annoying combination of head nodding and hand gesticulating.
The Funny Guy is as funny as George W.
is intelligent, witty and articulate.
6.
The Socially Illiterate.
This person can't read social situations at all.
They have zero social awareness.
A consequence of this is that they are constantly inappropriate.
Fart jokes, distasteful subject matter and unsavoury language are regular features in their repertoire.
7.
The Desperado.
While annoying, I actually have a soft-spot for the Desperado.
All they really want is some love, recognition and acceptance; to be part of a group.
Any group.
They just go about it the wrong way.
And while many Desperadoes are inherently nice people, their intense need to be liked and accepted often results in behaviours and habits which fall more into the annoying category, than the desirable category.
8.
The Genius.
The Genius knows everything.
And what he doesn't know, he'll fabricate.
He is typically a male between forty and sixty five with low self-esteem.
I have met many Genii with no qualifications, and very little knowledge who have felt obligated to educate and enlighten me about all things training and nutrition.
The Genius doesn't have conversations, he gives lectures.
Every family has a least one of them.
9.
The Tough Guy.
The Tough Guy is constantly compelled to demonstrate his alpha-male qualities in a pathetic attempt to off-set and camouflage his numerous short-comings and fears.
With the irony being that underneath all the huff-and-puff beats the heart of a sissy.
The Tough Guy usually has a vocabulary somewhere in the three to five hundred word range, hasn't been to a doctor in twenty years and often drives a pick-up truck with stupidly large tyres and gigantic lights on the roof.
He always wants to know how much I bench press and of course, he always lifts more.
10.
The Rock Star.
The Rock Star typically models him or herself on their idols and wears stupidly inappropriate clothing.
They love to lip sync songs into invisible microphones and sadly, the males of the group seem to delight in playing air guitar and air drums.
Sometimes at the same time.
11.
Fibber.
Fibbers live in their own little fictitious world.
They never let the facts get in the way of a good story.
Sure, we all tell the odd fib (yes Sweetie, Santa left those crumbs and those footprints were left by Prancer) but career Fibbers live in their own manufactured altered reality.
They lie incessantly and without thinking.
They will defend their fibs to the death.
Eventually they are incapable of discerning their 'creations' from the real world.
12.
The Spitter.
You'll need to wear a raincoat and goggles when conversing with the Spitter.
They often have a nice little stash of that white crap slowly accumulating in the corner of their mouth and seem to spray more than they say.
If only someone would tell them! Whatever you do, don't get them too excited or you'll be backstroking out of the room.
13.
The Victim.
The Victim usually has poor posture and lower back problems from carrying the world around on their shoulders for so long.
Whatever you do, don't ask them how their day is going.
Unless of course you have three spare hours.
14.
The Chatterbox.
The Chatterbox talks too much and too often.
For some, it's because they like to be the centre of attention, for others it's a need to impress, and for a few, it's because they are uncomfortable with silence in social situations.
Either way, it's bloody annoying.
A Chatterbox will soldier on with the conversation no matter how disinterested you are.
15.
The Control Freak.
The Control Freak loves to be in charge.
Of anything and anyone.
They see themselves as natural born leaders, when in reality, they are annoying, self-righteous, pains in the ass.
They are compelled to impose their thinking, values and ideas on anyone unfortunate enough to be in their proximity.
16.
The Criticizer.
As the name would suggest, the Criticizer takes great pleasure in finding fault in others, yet amazingly, has no flaws of his own.
He is indeed unique to mankind, sees himself as the high watermark for intelligence and is the poster boy for success.
In his mind, anyway.
17.
The Loud Talker.
The Loud Talker has a propensity to talk very loudly and inappropriately in places and situations which really don't warrant such volume.
Restaurants, elevators, public transport and movie theatres are among her favourite loud-talking venues.
Invariably, the Loud Talker's inappropriately loud conversation will involve a mobile (cell) phone.
18.
The Historian.
For some unknown and annoying reason, the Historian seems to be compelled to constantly share parts of his life with anyone stupid enough to listen.
While a little history is interesting, the same six stories repeated by the same person for twenty five years can become somewhat annoying.
Especially when the 'historical accuracy' of those stories is in significant doubt.
While the Historian loves a new audience, he's happy to repeat the same story to the same audience time and time again.
19.
The Hypochondriac.
The Hypochondriac is always at death's door.
She is a close cousin to the Victim, loves attention and has almost died seven times this year alone.
Nobody understands the severity of her sickness, nobody has endured the pain that she has and all her doctors are on speed dial in her phone.
If she ever really gets sick everyone will ignore her.
20.
The Brat.
The Brat is usually under ten years old, has no volume switch, no manners, regularly throws herself on the floor, screams a lot in public places and is the apple of her parent's eye.
Apparently, she's gorgeous.
And misunderstood.
Mum (mom) and dad are delusional and have zero parenting skills.
The Brat has a Nanny, sometimes a Therapist, hits other children and will often grow up to be either (1) a Victim (2) a Control Freak or (3) a Criticizer.
Unless of course, you can get this post to her parents.
Well, there it was; a brief overview of some of the Annoyers I've met on my journey.
Hopefully you didn't recognize too much of yourself in there, but if you did...
now you know! I'm sure you have an annoying lesson or anecdote to share, you may even have an 'Annoyer' to add to our list.